Sitting at a desk in front of my computer getting documents ready to possibly scramble for a match position. In Chicago, away from home. Scared. Nervous. Nauseas.
I have been mentally preparing myself for not matching. To get that email at 11am and see the words "You Did Not Match." Maybe typing it and seeing it here will de-sensitize me if I really do see it in 2 hours. Either way. I have a plan if I don't match. Pick up that phone and call places and then apply through SOAP. Either way, whatever is meant to happen will and right now I have no control over the computer. I'm just scared to be on my own at 11am if I dont have a spot because then it is my responsibility to look for and secure one.
I keep trying to block the optimist in me that says I will be fine and have matched because I just can't. I need to be realistic. I cant be naive. This match is super competitive, a ton of my classmates interviewed at the same programs [with way better scores] and even if I do my best, I need to settle for having to go through some speed bumps. I worked hard but sometimes we don't get everything we want. But thats OK, I'm still going to be a doctor.
On the top of my "to do when I dont match" list i wrote:
Breath. It's OK. You will survive this. Your still going to be a doctor!
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