i didnt match AOA

Nothing will compare to this day. A day of such unexpected sadness. I had a feeling that I was not going to get into my top choice but I was pretty sure that I will get into #2 if anything. Well, I was definitely wrong.

Any instance of rejection is hard, this is by far the worst I have experienced. Knowing how close I was to my goal and how much I wanted it. I tried to prepare myself for all the possible outcomes but when your mind is made up and has a dream, its hard to make it believe that maybe it won't turn out the way you planned. I have a personal goal to not make too high of expectations as disappointment is the worst feeling in the world. I set high goals but I also strive to make realistic expectations of myself in order to preserve my feelings. But this, this was too hard to prepare myself for. In fact, I do not think there is any way I could have prepared for not matching.

A very smart guy reminded me 'silver linings.' Maybe this was the way the universe was pushing me into the ACGME match. Maybe there is somewhere else I am supposed to be. But after this disappointment the last thing I want is to go through it again. So as much as I want to hope for the best, I am TRYING to re-wire my brain to the very realistic and likely possibility that I will not match in the ACGME match with only 7 interviews. And that likely, I will have to scramble into a residency position. and that there is the very strong possibility that I may not end up being an emergency physician. at least anytime soon....

thinking this, saying this, writing this breaks my heart. I am trying to remember this is NOT the end of the world. i am still graduating. my goal was and is going to be achieved....i am going to be a DOCTOR. but how sad is it that this residency process can make me feel like i have achieved less of a goal. its like i am getting 95% of the way there and then having to accept defeat. although i am not being defeated. i am still going to be a doctor. What kind seems to be up to fate...