Welp here I am. In the middle of Illinois on an amtrak train from Chicago to Springfield on a Wednesday afternoon. Its beautiful outside so its a pretty ride. A nice time to reflect on what the last month has been. I cant help but keep thinking how difficult this whole process is and how much stress I am under. I try to suppress it, try to relax, try to enjoy all the traveling but its the uncertainty of everything that keeps making me want to curl up in bed and sleep for days.
Physically I am out of shape and am constantly getting sick, which makes sense with all the stress and working in the ED seeing kids and adults come in one after another with fevers, pharyngitis, pneumonias, you name it. I am also working in a new city with new bugs/ viruses that my body has never been able to adapt to so im not suprised by my lack of fighting capability. Also, I have stopped working out all together and I feel so gross.
But emotionally, I am also out of shape. I just want to know where I am going. Its hard to live each day thinking /worrying about the future rather than living day-to-day. I am in Chicago, one of my favorite cities, and this whole month is kinda tainted with interviews and stress. I really really want to live here and go to residency in this incredible city but its just not that simple. Too many other factors are contributing. And i keep thinking, as much as I would love to go to Arrowhead and get incredible training there, what are the chances that I will meet a guy in the inland empire. Versus coming to Chicago and meeting a cute, smart, nice midwestern guy....which they have plenty of. This decision isnt just about where I will be trained best. It is about where my life will be best.
My 3 interviews in Michigan went well, but as much as I want to be excited about them, i'm not. A couple of the programs were great, the people were friendly and the hosptals nice. but when it came down to it, i know how unhappy I would be living in the middle of Michigan, far removed from a nice big city and loved ones. and really, im just not feelin Michigan.
Then, I had another interview in Michigan at a hospital in St. Joseph. It is right on Lake Michigan, 1.5 hours drive from Chicago. It was beautiful. Now this, this is a place I could get used it. The people were great and so was the location. So now I have another DO program I am considering. Its close to Chicago, so I could still come to visit and see familiar faces and its right on the lake so I can enjoy the time I have off. Its got me a little worried though, would I rather go here over Arrowhead? The little things are coming into play now too. The factors of free food, 8 hour shifts vs 12 hour shifts, cost of living, etc. I wish my mind wouldnt consider these factors but it has...and it constantly is. No day is ended until I ponder my choices whether it be on a train, car ride home or while falling asleep. Its exhausting. Im exhausted.
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