Picking a specialty has become so incredibly difficult. My decision has morphed into the question: why did i want to be a doctor?
I try to reflect on what i want to do and what i want my life to be like but then i just start day-dreaming about nothing. Im not sure if my attention span is just that short or i really just cant picture what and where i want my life to be. I juggle between wanting EM and then not wanting it. what i have realized is that the main reason i cant decide is because i keep asking myself, "what if im not good at it?" once i start residency there is no turning back. Thats it. How can i know if im good at quick decision making and procedures if i havent really been challenged to do so?
Do i go for it and handle the consequences? Or do i settle for family medicine or specialize in IM and possibly regret my decision later.
Reflecting on why i went into medicine, i find i love science and being a doctor because its interesting. its hands on working with needles, suture, etc. Its not a lot off bullshit. You learn something, you remember it, you use it later. Did i really go into medicine to listen to my patients talk about their feelings and adjust their medications and make their lives better? Or did i go into it because i knew it would keep me entertained, i get to cut people open, and make changes in a patients life that i can see the outcome on the spot. Ex: in OB: do c-section = see baby. in EM: see laceration, suture it= stop the bleeding. Whatever i do, i need to see this change. Because if i dont, im not sure how long i can go on pretending to care about certain things when realistically, i dont. Is that selfish or just self-sustaining? TBD...
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